I’m not really sure why we clicked. We’re totally different from each other. He was into all kinds of music except pop and love songs, which I really like. He was into action and sci-fi movies and I was into the mushy ones. I like really neat clothes; he likes torn jeans and dirty sneakers. But then again, as they say opposite attract. Eventually, we learned to compromise until such time that I liked what he liked and vice versa. I practically grew up with Brain. We were together every day and each day was always a learning experience. He taught me how to drive, to appreciate nature and most of all, music. I got to know and love Metallica, Pink Floyd, Vivaldi, Rachmaninoff and Sinatra because of him. We would always go to breakwaters (that’s how we call the back of Folk Arts Theater) to talk or if he’s in the mood, he would sing. He’s the kind of guy who’d make you feel really safe and special and that you’re like the most important person in the world. I was always his priority. He was a very romantic and sensitive guy, sensitive in every sense of the word. Funny because when you get to see him, you wouldn’t have that impression. As I said, he was very handsome, has long hair, likes to listen to heavy metal music and plays a mean bass guitar. But he was different. He was always careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings, very shy and most of the time, would just keep quiet. He was a very popular guy and he had a lots of friends.

We we’re so much in love. He would always assure me that he loved me but that was not enough for me. I was very insecure and immature that I would always push him to the limit just to test him. I would do stupid things to hurt him, get into huge fights every day but there was nothing I could do to make him really angry at me. I’d hurt him, say sorry and he would always be ready to accept me back with open arms. He never fails to tell me “I love you, see’tart” but I guess I never really knew the real meaning of that phrase. I hurt him a lot but he would always find a reason for everything I do. Most of the time, he would just say “ bata ka pa kasi eh.” I was very temperamental and demanding  but he would always adjust to any situation I would put him into. He was always there for me every time I needed him.

We went through a lot in our relationship. He asked me to marry him twice- the first time was when I was still in school- but I told him that I had to finish college first, to make my parents proud. The second time was when I was just starting to work. I said marriage has to wait because I want to pursue my career. He wanted so much to start his own family. He came from a dysfunctional one and all he wanted was to have his own perfect family. Everything started falling into place in the latter part of 1995. I somehow matured, we were both working full time and there were lesser fights. It was a pretty harmonious relationship. We would see each other four to five times a week and each time spent with each other was quality time. We finally got engaged in 1996 but we had to postpone the wedding date several times because of financial reasons.

I thought everything was okay- all things working out according to plan but I was wrong. Brian visited ne one Sunday in November, which he never does because he knows that my folks were around. He looked very lonely and begged me to accompany him to his studio but I couldn’t because I had a prior engagement that I couldn’t get out of. When he got to the studio, his schedule was cancelled so opted to go home. We talked on the phone on that same night and promised to take me out on the following Tuesday because we have not seen each other for about two weeks already. As usual, before putting the phone down, he said his “I love you, see’tart” and I said the same thing. That was the last time I spoke to him. The next day, he had a seizure and he did not survive. I’m not really sure what happened but when I finally got to him, he was gone. They say that when a person dies, the last senses to go is the sense of hearing. I just whispered in his ear that I love him very much, and that he need not worry about me and that I’m letting him go because he was going to a place where I know he would be very happy. Everything was in a daze. I couldn’t cry. Even during his wake, I was my usual happy old self, being funny and telling everybody jokes. Everything was just like a dream that I figured eventually I would wake up and he would still be there. We cremated him and up to that very last moment, I did not shed a tear. I think he somehow had a premonition of what was going to happen. He gave me his Christmas present in November. I asked why and he said nothing and that I just consider it an early Christmas gift.

I felt like my arms and legs were chopped off. He was my whole life, we did everything together. We had so many dreams and memories and now I was suddenly alone. It was always Brain and Paisley together. We never thought one would have to live without the other. He was gone and I never really had a chance to tell that I truly love him and that I mean every word of it. Days and months passed by I couldn’t pull myself together. Every place I go to, everything I have would always remind me of him. I tried to put a brave front for the sake of my parents and friends, but inside I was dying a slow and painful death. It was like a part of me was taken away when he died.

I learned so many things about Brian after his death. A lot of his family and friends told me how much he loved me. He had his misadventures and I was hurt for a while when I learned of them. But I didn’t get angry because I loved him so much. There’s nothing he could do to me that would make me hate him. At that moment, I knew the kind of love he gave- unconditional love – and I was not able to give him that.

That was three years ago. I’m 29 years old now and Brian would have been 33. We should have been married and would probably have kids by now but I guess it was not meant to be. I have been into a few relationships after him but nothing seemed to work out. I always think of Brian and I still cry myself to sleep because I miss so much. I don’t question GOD why he took Brian away from me, but I do ask Him a lot times, why am I still here when he’s gone? He has done so much for me, I wouldn’t be where I am now without him.

Paisley 29 works for a telecommunications firm in Makati.

if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections! 

God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but HE did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way.
 

there I Was Waiting For A Chance
hopin’ That You’ll Understand
the Things I Wanna Say
(As/But) My Love Went Stronger Than Before
i Wanna See You, You More And More
but You Closed Your Door
pre-Chorus:
why Don’t You Try To Open Up Your Heart
i Won’t Take So Much Of Your Time
chorus:
may Be It’s Wrong To Say "please Love Me, Too"
‘coz I Know You’ll Never Do
somebody Else Is Waitin’ There Inside For You
maybe It’s Wrong To Love You More Each Day
‘coz I Know He’s Here To Stay
but I Know To Whom You Should Belong
but My Love Is Strong
i Don’t Know If This Is Wrong
but I Know To Whom You Should Belong
i Believed What You Said To Me
"we Should Set Each Other Free"
that’s How You Want It To Be

for a start here, i am independent, is not that i am not but here i am totally responsible for myself and partly i like it, actually not partly but a lot no parents to give you rules and regulations just me.

here i have my own space my own world my own money its like i am a different person , not different different but more off i have a freedom.

i met new friends, i learn new languages and expose to new culture and new environment and maybe even meet new potential partner?! maybe, i dont know. it seems like my monotonous life suddenly became exciting and interesting.

but as time goes by being far it makes me emotional and sad to admit but lonely. it makes you feel that your all alone especially for me because i dont have someone special.

it makes me miss a lot of things like my long time friends back in the philippines. the gimiks, outings, occassions, long talk watching movie at the movie house, my bed, my room and even the traffic and all the odds things in my own country.

that’s why even small things make me cry just seeing pictures in friendster or multiply of my berks, talking to my old pals make me very emotional and sentimental and even talking to my ex.

it makes me crazy and it lead me to think and think and think i cant help it i cant stop it. but the good thing is few days from now i will have my vacation and i can go home!!! just wait for me!!!!

The rain, wherewith she watereth the flowers,
Falls from mine eyes, which she dissolves in showers.

Dapat nga kayang sa iyo ako’y humanga
Kahit na ako’y mayro’n nang iba
Pigilan man ang puso
Tuwid man ang tingin, lumilingon ang isip ko

Chorus
Ang puso ko ay nanliligaw
Ang puso ko ay naliligaw
Bakit kay tagal nang hinihintay at ngayon ka lang nakita
At ‘di na ako manliligaw
At ‘di na ako maliligaw
Kung sasabihin mong ikaw at ako ang magkapalad

Kung sakaling mang magulo itong damdamin
Naghahabol sa ‘yong nagdaan
Nauna nang pagsuyo niya’y
Lihis sa ‘yong landas ‘pagka’t tayo ang tadhana

‘pag nilalaro mo ang aking isipan
Halik at yakap mo ang nararamdaman
Akala ko’y nabihag niya
Ang puso kong itong sa ‘yo’y malayang nagpasya

Chorus
Ang puso ko ay nanliligaw
Ang puso ko ay naliligaw
Bakit kay tagal nang hinihintay at ngayon ka lang nakita
At ‘di na ako manliligaw
At ‘di na ako maliligaw
Kung sasabihin mong ikaw at ako ang magkapalad

Bridge
‘di ko kayang masaktan ang damdamin
Siya’y nagmamahal nang tunay sa akin
Pa’no na ang aking pusong
Ikaw lamang ang tanging buhay

Chorus
Ang puso ko ay nanliligaw
Ang puso ko ay naliligaw
Bakit kay tagal nang hinihintay at ngayon ka lang nakita
At ‘di na ako manliligaw
At ‘di na ako maliligaw
Sana nga’y maging ikaw at ako at wala nang hahanapin

Ang puso kong nanliligaw
Ang puso kong naliligaw
Bakit kay tagal nang hinihintay at ngayon ka lang nakita
At ‘di na ako manliligaw
At ‘di na ako maliligaw
Kung sasabihin mong ikaw at ako ang magkapalad
[fading]